


And maybe one day my suffocating lungs will learn to breathe again

by Justme_iguess



Category: The Penumbra Podcast
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, M/M, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, mentions of child abuse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-04
Updated: 2018-04-04
Packaged: 2019-04-18 04:02:59
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,311
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14204619
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Justme_iguess/pseuds/Justme_iguess
Summary: He takes a deep breath. He's certain Alessandra can hear him crying and he hates himself for it. "But 'lessandra I feel wrong and terrible and I feel like crawling out of my own skin, but I can't. I only know one way out of this and that's to be dead and-""Juno, don't you dare." Her voice is shaking now.





	And maybe one day my suffocating lungs will learn to breathe again

"Alessandra?" He says pensively.

"What is it, Juno?" Her voice is tired and she sounds like she's laying down. "You always gotta call me in the dead of night, don't you?"

" _Less, who are you talking to?"_

 _"Its about work, sorry for waking you, honey."_ Juno can hear the sound of a kiss. Then he can hear the shifting of movement, as Alessandra gets up, closes her door, and goes outside.

"What were you saying?"

Juno feels anxiety squeezing at him from every angle. He feels terrible and wrong and disgusting. "I just- 'lessandra I messed up." He can hear the way his voice breaks, and he hates himself for it.

She sounds more alert now, more awake. "What kind of messed up, Juno? Where are you? You better not have done something stu-"

"I'm calling you so I don't do something stupid." His voice is shaky, and he's glad Alessandra can't see him, because there are tears streaking down his face. He chokes, softly enough that he can pretend she can't hear it. "I'm in my car, and I'm fine. I just-I'm really fucking sorry Alessandra. I shouldn't even be calling you, and you're probably-"

"Juno, it's okay." Her voice is softer now. She knows him, knows that he can't be like some people. Can't get through some nights on his own without a bottle or without someone with him. He's a burden, and he hates it. "Just calm down. Tell me what happened."

"I just fucked up! We got in an argument and he just kept getting so mad and so close to me, and I couldn't take it. We kept yelling at each other, and I know he would never really hurt me, but he talks with his hands and I was so sure he was going to hit me. But he's not like them I trust him. I trust him, 'lessandra!" He's babbling and he knows it. He doesn't care, though, because he's scared and upset and he doesn't know what to do. He takes a second to breathe.

He can hear Alessandra's brain wracking from here. "Why don't you... Start at the beginning."

Juno flushes. "Um- well-" this was a stupid idea in the first place. He never should have called her.

"I don't have all night, Steel."

He shifts his weight in the driver's seat. "A while back I walked out on him. Middle of the night and everything. I really hurt him. Bad. He came back, and as you know, we've been together since then."

"Oh." Alessandra says. "I didn't know you walked out."

"Yeah." He sighs. "Earlier on today I had a nightmare and I went for a walk. Rita says that it helps people sometimes. When I got back, he was searching for me, and then he got angry." He takes a shaky breath. "He asked where I was, and why I left him in bed. I told him, and I think he was just angry." Juno's heart is beating rapidly in his chest, because he was angry at the situation. Not necessarily at Juno, but he thought that's where it needed to be directed. At the time, it felt terrible. It felt just like her, reminding him of how terrible and disgusting and wrong he is. Memories punched through him like a needle through paper. "He was angry and-I don't know- I just got really scared. I pushed him away and ran out the door, because I'm not freezing up. I can't - I just-"

He takes a deep breath. He's certain Alessandra can hear him crying and he hates himself for it. "But 'lessandra I feel wrong and terrible and I feel like crawling out of my own skin, but I can't. I only know one way out of this and that's to be dead and-"

"Juno, don't you dare." Her voice is shaking now.

There's a silence between them as Juno tries to gather his thoughts. They spread across his headspace, and he materializes them back up. He feels it in his stomache. Its the gnawing feeling of his mother just telling him that it would be better if he was just gone. "He always tells me that if I'm feeling this way that I should call him or Rita or somebody. I can't call him right now. Rita worries too much, and I just had to talk to someone. Can you just help me? I don't know what I'm supposed to do."

"Well," she starts, and she sounds sure. It makes Juno feel hope cradle in his chest. "If there's one thing I've learned- and I've told you this- it's that you've got to talk. Communication. A whole lot of it. Not fighting, either. Just sit down with him and have a talk about what that did to you. How much it hurt. Then you've got to let him talk, and you've got to listen. Really listen to what he's saying, Steel.

Yelling at you? I don't think that was right. I think he overreacted out of fear. But that's not an excuse. Tell him how all that made you feel. Even if it sounds dumb."

Juno takes it all under consideration. If this is going to work, then he needs to learn how to do it. Alessandra is kind of an expert on it. "You've... You've gotten really good at this, haven't you?" He wishes he could do the same. Wishes that he could be just as good at this as Alessandra is.

"You'll get there. These things take time."

"I know that." He mutters. "I knew that when it started. But I didn't think it was gonna take this long."

Juno takes a sharp inhale. "I should probably let you go, huh?" He hears a pause. She's hesitating. "I'll be okay. I won't do anything dumb. Tell your wife I said hi?"

She yawns, giving off how tired she is. "Yeah. Goodnight, Juno. I hope it works out."

He hangs up, and leans back in the drivers seat with a deep breath. It'll work out.

It has to.

\--

"Juno-"

"Don't." He cuts him off. "I don't want to hear another apology. It happened and it sucked, but I really just want to talk about something else."

Juno feels Peter trace fingers up and down his arm. "Are you okay, at least?"

If he's being honest he isn't sure. When he goes on cases he feels prepared to be hurt. Knows that things can and will go wrong. But with Peter he lets his gaurd down. He felt comfortable coming back into the room, and let himself relax. There were a lot of bad things about that situation. Too many memories of her pushing back agaonst him, until he felt dread well up inside of him like a sickness. He still feels raw and a little disgusting, but he can live. "I.. I don't know."

Peter looks angry and guilty with himself. He knows because he's a detective, and you pick up a few things after dating someone for this long. He can read Nureyev like a book.

So Juno sits on his lap, and kisses him like the world is ending. Wraps his arms around his neck, and lets Nureyev pull him in deeper. He traces Juno's anatomy, and not even in a sexual way. As though he's doing it just to be able to touch him. Like its a privelege to do so.

He can't agree with that mindset, but that doesn't mean its bad.

Juno pulls away. Peter puts a hand on the back of his neck so that they can rest their foreheads together. "You're a sap." Juno murmurs.

"Oh, well I don't mind it much, and neither should you. After all, I think that's how I won you over."

Juno mumbles in between their lips as he kisses him again. "Not a chance."


End file.
